Friday, September 04, 2009

The Roquefort Yacht Club Snootiness Scale & Evolutionary Guide

(with apologies to Lord Beaufort and to be used for private amusement purposes only)

This was done quite a while ago and published in a Foghorn newsletter. This is a slightly different scale than the one that rates how active or "live" a club is.

Not all yacht and sailing clubs are quite the same, and there’s always the chance that you might be embarrassed to visit a club that’s either unexpectedly stuffy or way too casual. So, here’s a handy-dandy rating system that will let you assign a rating number to a club and give your sailing friends an idea of what to expect when they visit the club:

0. Buddy & Sally, Luther, Cindy Lou, Mac, Fats Jonas, and Norma Jean, were kind of happy last Saturday night after they’d been out with the pontoon boat, Hobo Cat, Turbo-Bass Masterskicraft, and the Skidoos, and they thought it’d be way cool to tell their buddies that they’re the Schlitz/Pabst Blue Ribbon Dry Lakes Yacht Club. Cindy Lou’s thinking of drawing up one of those flag-things with a six-pack on it. No dues, no stinkin’ paperwork, but a club yell: Stop Hangovers – Stay Smashed! Fridays are Belch Nights.

1. No rules, but a name, and some people here seem to know what they’re doing and put together a club barbecue and poker run here at the Cider Cove Cozy Cruisers.

2. No rules, no real estate, no clubhouse, but the Water Moccasin Sailors have a name, a club flag/burgee, and an e-mail list. We sort of ran six races last year and set up one of our college kids as a race chairman and he’s started telling us about some boat rules. Did you know that you’re not supposed to run over other boats? We also have a fishing/liar’s group and a water skiers group that you can run into. Man is this yawty stuff fancy.

3. A written constitution? Well sort of. Elected officers? Yeah, does anyone remember if it’s time for another election? A newsletter? Semi-organized regattas? Man, this sailing club sure is getting all formal and stuffy for us guys here in the Piddlehome Sound Yacht and Sailing Club. One of our members got certified as a sailing instructor last year and we’re going to try to teach sailing to kids next summer without drowning them.
(Parents, please don’t try to bribe us to shanghai or drown your kids.)

4. The Long Lake Sailing Society is a “paper club”, without a clubhouse, but is a member of local and regional sailing organizations, and has arranged with a local marina to sponsor events and offer hospitality to visitors. The club has officers, committees, newsletter, and even its own web site, which is occasionally updated. Several of our members competed in the Gallo to Kielbasa cup race last year. One of our annual regattas is part of the regional tri-state sailing championship series. Y’all come on down!

5. The Brackish Bay Yacht Club was established in 1964, and thanks to the vision of its founders, has established a large one-room clubhouse facility at the Passamahoumie City Marina. Visitors are always welcome, and visitors who bring beer or wine are automatically part of the gang. The combo to the marina bathroom is available from club members; spray paint is available for graffiti removal or customization. If you don’t like the beer in our fridge, run down to the store to buy something better. The club is mostly social, but we do try to get out on the water sometimes. Many of our members have boats and none have sunk lately. Dues are kept affordable, and folks are always welcome to help repaint the back porch. Please, no water balloons in the clubhouse, but wet bikinis are very welcome.

6. The Leeward Ledge Sailing Club & Motor Squadron has a big name but a basic idea: We’re more fun and have better beer taps than the other guys. Although the club does not own or control the slip facilities at the Leeward Ledge marina, there’s space for visitors at our 44.7’ Guest Dock. Appropriate attire is suggested for the Commodore’s ball at the Ledge Lodge; no cut-offs or wet bathing suits. Upon arrival, check in with the volunteer bartender on duty. Grills are available and frozen steaks and “mystery meat” burgers can be bought from the bartender. Because race boats have limited head facilities, please don’t drink too much beer before participating as “rail meat” in our Washed Up Wednesday Regattas.

7. The Monkey’s Fist Cliffs Yacht Club enjoys a spectacular view of the Monkey’s Fist from its modern clubhouse facilities. We have a full commercial kitchen, and host catered dinners as well as weekly cook-your-own wieners and buns. We offer Thursday evening beer can races, the Monkey’s Fist Mistresses ladies' group, a bridge group, and a Monday Night Monkeys football gathering at our bar, the Monkey’s Poop Deck. The club administers the “C” dock facilities of the Monkey’s Fist Municipal Marina and offers space, if available, in vacant slips or at our 80 feet of guest dockage. Visitors from other clubs are welcome and are requested to show their home club I.D. card and fly their burgee. Please wear appropriate covering en route from the clubhouse to the pool, especially if you don’t look good in swim trunks or bikini.

8. The Oyster Bay Yacht Club maintains senior membership in area and national yachting associations. We are proud to sponsor the Levelland to Fandango double-hand-post-collegiate-junior-women-international-qualifier-biennial-multihull match regatta and have gladly supported future Olympians through our junior program with a full-time Junior Sailing Coordinator and part-time seasonal instructors. We also have a disability sailing program, which was initiated after some unfortunate accidents in a past Jim Beam/Old Crow Series. Visitors are welcome, but should note that parking is severely limited and at-your-own-risk during the Seagram Crown memorial regatta series. Opportunities are available to contribute to the Centennial Clubhouse Renovation Endowment.

9. The Mastery Point Yacht Club is currently considering applications from qualified prospects. Do kindly note that applications are available only from Flag members and not from club staff. Candidates are welcome to a monthly Prospect Party to tour our excellent facilities, and meet with prospective Lead, Seconding, Thirding, and Assistant Thirding Sponsors. Facilities include five hundred slips and half slips, Olympic pool and masseusses, two and a half tennis courts, and our four-story clubhouse. The Klaus Brandauer garden is devoted to the memory of founding member, Vice Commodore, PT boat captain, Transpac sailor, acrobatic rated pilot, and mountain climber who tragically lost his life after slipping and falling on an artichoke heart at a pool party. (Our staff advocate-general obtained a substantial liability judgment from the host, a portion of which funded garden erection.) Our chef, Agosto Iglesias, is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America and a winner of culinary competitions. Our executive bartender has personally passed all the beverages served in the lounge. Initiation dues for flag memberships are graduated according to member age, reaching as little as a few thousand dollars, to encourage young executives to affiliate with Mastery Point.

10. The Isle Royale St. Magnificat Yacht Club (not italicized because we certainly require no additional emphasis or vulgar self-promotion) is a senior member in good standing of the IYRU, SPCA, AAA, AARP, NAACP, PTA, AFL-CIO, TVA, WCTU, AA, W.C., AKC, ABC, CBS, Lloyd’s register, and the Robb Report. The IRSMYC welcomes visiting yachtsmen, with certain minor caveats and unavoidable limitations. Most regrettably, the club is experiencing a dearth of slips under eighty-five feet and so can only offer accommodation to vessels exceeding eighty feet l.o.a. Dormitories are available for professional (non-Corinthian) crew. Kindly advise as to whether you have more than twelve paid crew that require dormitory accommodations. Salaried crew are not permitted entry in the clubhouse, but are allowed in the staff swimming bath except for the hours from sunrise to eight p.m.

Blazer and tie are sufficient attire for gentlemen for most daytime events (knee-length or longer dresses in the clubhouse for ladies); however white tie is required for the Commodore’s Ball and select other events establish their respective dress regulations (members may refer their personal staff to the decorum guide's couture requirements for a list of approved designers). Sauna, whirlpool, massage, escort, health club, and detox services are restricted to club members or guests accompanied by members. Baccarat minimum wager is fifty dollars. Guests are encouraged to place a small gratuity (recommended minimum of two thousand dollars) in the jar in the lounge in support of the current IRSMYC America’s Cup campaign.

New membership proposals are accepted by club invitation only, must be sponsored by thirteen Flag members, and are subject to veto. A genealogy statement may be required. If you’re the sort that really must ask, then you can’t afford the initiation fees.

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