Landlubbers' Lies and Sailors' Yarns

The classic lines:

1. The check is in the mail.

2. I'll respect you in the morning.

3. I'm from the government, and I am here to help you.

4. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

5. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

6. I never watch television except for PBS.

7. ...but we can still be good friends.

8. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

9. I've never done anything like this before.

10. ...then take a left. You can't miss it.


What would be the sailor’s version? Maybe something like,

This boat was never raced.

The diesel had a complete, professional overhaul.

Sure these fish are under the limit.

Our varnish will keep your toerails and handrails looking great for three years!

We always washed the sails.

The trailer’s never been in salt water.

Rebuilding the head is actually much more pleasant than you'd expect.

Our team has never fouled another boat.

All the electronics check out fine.

This boat has a large, palatial head that's just like the bathroom at home.

This trailer will never give you trouble on the road.

This manufacturer’s hulls never have blister problems.

You don't need to waste money on a pre-filter for diesel fuel.

Sure, you can strip the old paint, re-fair and prep the hull, and slap the new paint on in three to
six hours, tops.

Don’t worry, this weekend’s winds are forecast to be perfect, moderate breezes.

We’re the crew who are always reliable and on time.

My crew have never had reason to complain.

These foulies keep 100% of the water out.

Really, the boom is perfectly safe and not to be worried about.

I would never barge in on the start line or try to bluff a competitor.

The A fleet boats are never over the line early.

We always sail our proper course.

Don’t worry, the grounding system in this marina is perfectly safe and regulated.

I never shout at my crew.

Nope, I’ve never run into a dock. (But the pier is another matter.)

Sure, I’ll remember to get some good beer.

It’ll only take you a few hours to fix everything.

We can get your boat part by noon tomorrow.

I know every shallow in this bay and so I’ve never run aground. (It was the boat that did it).