Cookies for Sailors, Aaargh, Matey

Bill L. (Legio Mariae) sent this little gem. I take no responsibility for what happens if you try this recipe.

Since I missed the cookie exchange at the office this year, and having
been accused of being a  "good cook", I propose to share one of my
favorite holiday recipes with you all.

Should you care to make them for your family, please be sure to read all
of the instructions carefully before starting so you don't miss any of
the steps in baking them.

BTW - I'm not really a good cook, I only follow the instructions.
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TEQUILA HOLIDAY COOKIES

1 cup of unsalted butter (no vegi-based substitutes please)
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 Tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice
Fine-grated rind of 1 lemon
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts (I like pinon, but walnuts work)
2 cups of dried fruit (no prunes! dates, yellow raisins, sulfur-free
apples are good)
1 bottle of high quality Tequila (try Patron, and never ever cook with
liquor or wine that you wouldn't drink directly)

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. Sip Tequila.

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so try
another cup.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the flippin' fruit and that crazy cup off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to
beat off the turner

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure   to
put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY  HAULINDAZE AND MISTMAS TO ALL!